change of plans

Admittedly, I've been a bit crazy for about a year, but I think that phase has passed.
I've been making decisions based on the person I thought he was.
I've been making decisions like the 20-year-old I once was.
I've been making decisions that I have not been able to even discuss with others.
THAT is just how wrong the situation has been.
Enough.
When I came down to Florida for my biannual trip to switch gears, I had thought I had a game plan.
True, the booking of the resort stay had been instigated by a desire to help out a friend.  The peace guy had been pushed into a financial sinkhole that just kept growing and I had hoped the condo with rooms a-plenty  would benefit him as well as myself.  You see, I've been findng myself at home more of late, perhaps from a subconscious fear of spending money until I know what my future job situation is.  Usually, by now, I would have a trip or two already scheduled, but I had nothing on the near, or even far, horizon.
So, I booked the rooms for three for five nights.
I even checked the websites for a few of the places I like, to see what was shakin' with them for the days I would be in Florida.  A film festival on the weekend at Cinematique?  Sah-weet!  A discount for fun at Dave & Buster's?  Even better!
It'll be bdsm Friday at the Fantasy House!  Alrighty then! And a swinger party the next night?  YEAH!!!
Say what?  What was that last part?
Uh, yeah, you know, um... didn't I tell you about that?
You know, when I was talking about decisions I couldn't share?
Well, um, yeah. That's what I was talking about.
I've been going to swinger parties since August.  Not continuously, mind you.
Like that is somehow important.
Yeah.
Well, I'm done with it.
It all started with a lunchtime conversation in late July with the Eagle scout.  Really!  I know, I can hear you know: an Eagle scout invited you to such a party?  Right.
Well, he did.  I'm not sure just how the topic came up.  I think we may have been discussing his new girlfriend in Charleston.  Perhaps she had attended the parties up there with her not-quite-ex and had taken my friend to such a party and he was simply wanting to share the fun.  That was probably the scenario.  He was attending swing parties and I was invited to come along with them some time and could bring a friend, "male or female, we make no judgements", if I wanted.
I had told him I would think about it, to please keep me posted on when they would next attend such a party.
Then I went off to my summer adventures, riding with the magician as far as O-Hi-O, then collecting him for the trip back to the South that first Saturday in August.  He had mentioned a couple of times during the onset of the trip that he was hoping to mend a broken friendship while home, but he had not elaborated on the nature of the break and I had not asked.  On the drive back, while talking about all manner of things, I asked if he had been successful at wall-mending and he said he had.  So I asked what had caused the break... and he said he was a swinger that she had taken too seriously.  He was part of a couple and she was part of a couple, so it wasn't a big party scene, but it was definitely swapping.
Whoa, what a coincidence!  I had just found out about swinger parties and the magician was a swinger!  So I shared my info with him and he expressed an interest and we were off to the races!
So to speak.  It probably didn't hurt that we had neither of us had sex for at least a year.  The idea of no-strings, x-rated fun was most appealing.
Later in August, he and I went to the party in South Carolina with the Eagle scout and his girl.  The magician and I went as a couple, as single males were not allowed to these home parties.  The theme was "end of the summer pool bash" and it was MUCH fun!  I regarded it as a nudist adventure and had a blast playing nude volleyball in the pool.  It had been many years since my time as a nudist in central Florida and I felt right at home.  I got laid, too, and that was a great stress reliever.
A month later,  I went to another party there, but without the magician.  He had not gotten laid, but he did get to see lots of tits and ass and all other body parts and had enjoyed that.  The theme was black-light-fantastic and I had such fun dancing with glowing stripes and stars!  They did have a nice dance floor, after all!  And, of course, as a girl there, I got laid again.   Okay!
No more venturing north until November.  The magician wanted to go for his birthday and so we went.  The problem was this: he is much more shy than he lets on.  He talks a big game, but he doesn't follow through.  He stuck close to my side, and I even taught him to play pool, but he ended up not laid after all.  I, of course, did get me some action.
He really wasn't interested in going to the parties after that.  True, the winter break came and he went to see his folks for most of that time.  Even so, when he returned, he simply was not the same guy he was when he left.  There was a marked difference in his behavior with me and he seemed to withdraw from the closeness we'd shared.  No more long talks about any and every little thing.
And he had no interest in the Florida party house I had found in December.
We did venture to Charleston for a symphony, a la Cirque, and had much fun.
That was in January and was the last overnight trip we've taken.  (Separate beds, as always.  We didn't want to muck up our friendship with sex.  Though, perhaps one doesn't need to have sex with each other to cause that same ill effect?)
Now, it seems, he has found someone he might have a relationship with and is not wanting to act as a swinger until he knows for sure.  Then, I guess, he'll try to ascertain how she feels about swinging, as he has done with his other girlfriends.  But, for now, better to give the appearance of being a fine upstanding guy, or so he says.
Really???  After giving me a hard time about appearances and protocol?
So, now, even though I had continued on to Florida for this trip and had thought I would go to the Fantasy House this evening, I think now that I am done.
I am done with having sex with other women's husbands, even though I have the wife's permission and she is having sex with someone else under the same roof.
I am done with out of town parties that I cannot share with my friends and family.
I am done with having a secret sex life.
I'm not condemning swingers or their lifestyle.  Nor am I condemning those in the bdsm lifestyle (which is pretty tame compared to some of the abusive relationships I have witnessed).
I'm just saying that if I am uncomfortable with sharing my participation in those lifestyles, then that makes it pretty damned obvious that I do not belong at parties which embrace those lifestyles.  That isn't fair to the other partiers.
Of course, I will continue to masturbate, with and without toys.  That is a healthy part of life and one that I don't feel the need to hide.  Most folks know I've hosted a Pure Romance party and have attended one or two and truly enjoy sharing those experiences with other women.  Nice to have new toys!  I even have a Pure Romance party next month, which will be a good thing, as I need more lube.
But I'll find something else to do tonight.
And maybe I'll look for a nudist group to join for some volleyball fun.